


911 id like to report a murder

by amateurexorcist



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Chatting & Messaging, Crack, F/M, Human Disaster Bucky Barnes, Human Disaster Clint Barton, Human Disaster Matt Murdock, Human Disaster Peter Parker, Human Disaster Steve Rogers, Human Disaster Tony Stark, M/M, Peter Parker is a Little Shit, Precious Peter Parker, human disaster everyone, im not team iron man, im team: "i just want them to be happy ;''(", nor team cap, stop them now
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-20
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:08:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22567582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amateurexorcist/pseuds/amateurexorcist
Summary: sticky boi: because i have a will to livesticky boi: or at least if i die nobody will be around to protect queensill break ur face then ill win ur case: Priorities am I right [MESSAGE SENT VIA VOICE-TO-TEXT]
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, Pepper Potts/Tony Stark
Comments: 30
Kudos: 194





	1. Chapter 1

_**Avengers Chat** _

_**Tony has added Peter to the Group Chat** _

_**Tony: This is my intern. Mess with him and I kill you.** _

_**Peter: mr stark no please dont kill them** _

_**Clint: Oh God no he texts like Bucky. We don't need another Bucky.]** _

_**Bucky: exCUSE you** _

_**Steve: Well Clint's dead.** _

_**Steve: Tony why did you add your intern of all people to this?** _

_**Tony: He helps build things for you losers. So.** _

_**Steve: Ah.** _

_**Natasha: Hello, Peter.** _

_**Peter: !! hi black widow natasha ma'am** _

_**Natasha: It's very nice to meet you.** _

_**Natasha: You're a good kid.** _

_**Tony: Nat. Are you trying to steal my intern?** _

_**Natasha: Maybe.** _

_**Bucky: hi kiddo** _

_**Peter: hello mr bucky barnes** _

_**Bucky: hi** _

_**Peter: hi** _

_**Bucky: hi** _

_**Peter: hi** _

_**Bucky: hi** _

_**Peter: hi** _

_**Tony: Okay whatever that is I'm stopping it now. Don't spam the gc.** _

_**Peter: :(** _

_**Private Messaging Between Peter and Bucky** _

_**Peter: so. you seem like a fairly chaotic person** _

_**Bucky: ??** _

_**Peter: the groupchat names are boring. we need to fix it** _

_**Peter: Ill take care of the hacking. i need you to help me with names for steve, clint, sam, and natasha** _

_**Peter: i already have names for me, you, and mr stark** _

_**Bucky: oh, neat** _

_**Avengers Chat** _

_**white jesus: hue hue hue hue** _

_**more near-death experiences than fingers: hue hue hue** _

_**white jesus: HUE HUE** _

_**commander canada: What?** _

_**commander canada: Oh** _

_**katniss everdeen: I fucking hate both of you.** _

_**white jesus: great. i hate you too.** _

_**birdboy: I never even text in this. Why me?** _

_**more near-death experiences than fingers: because im an agent of chaos??  
** _

_**tiny stank: ...Peter.** _

_**tiny stank: PETER.** _

_**tiny stank: Peter why is that your name?** _

_**more near-death experiences than fingers: time to dip  
** _

_**Literal Hell like wtf** _

_**sticky boi: mr stark is Concerned ™** _

_** doors? not in my apartment: What did you do this time?? ** _

_** sticky boi: i made a joke about almost dying a lot of times ** _

_** doors? not in my apartment: Oh. Well then he's overreacting ** _

_** ill break ur face then ill win ur case: Almost dying is just another Tuesday  ** [MESSAGE SENT VIA VOICE-TO-TEXT] _

_** doors? not in my apartment: you vigs and getting the shit beaten out of you every week ** _

_** ill break ur face then ill win ur case: You can't talk  ** [MESSAGE SENT VIA VOICE-TO-TEXT] _

_** doors? not in my apartment: Fair  
** _

_** sticky boi: also!! i fixed the avengers boring gc names ** _

_**sticky boi: mr stark is tiny stank** _

_**sticky boi: mr barnes is white jesus** _

_**sticky boi: hawkeye is katniss everdeen** _

_**sticky boi: the falcon is birdboy** _

_**sticky boi: mr rogers is commander canada** _

_**sticky boi: and black widow is biggest badass** _

_**doors? not in my apartment: Why are they all jokes except for Black Widow** _

_**sticky boi: because i have a will to live** _

_**sticky boi: or at least if i die nobody will be around to protect queens** _

_**ill break ur face then ill win ur case:**_ _**Priorities am I right** [MESSAGE SENT VIA VOICE-TO-TEXT]_


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sticky boi/more near-death experiences than fingers/awful spider child: Peter
> 
> tiny stank: Tony
> 
> commander canada: Steve
> 
> white jesus: Bucky
> 
> katniss everdeen: Clint
> 
> birdboy: Sam Wilson
> 
> doors? not in my apartment: Jessica Jones
> 
> ill break ur face then ill win ur case: Matt Murdock
> 
> biggest badass: Nat
> 
> GCs: 
> 
> Avengers Chat: Steve, Bucky, Tony, Clint, Nat, Peter, and Sam. 
> 
> Literal Hell like wtf: Peter, Matt, Jessica

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i changed the formatting sorry aha

_**Literal Hell like wtf** _

_**sticky boi:**_ Matt where tf r u

_**ill break ur face then ill win ur case:**_ Here _ [MESSAGE SENT VIA VOICE-TO-TEXT] _

_**Avengers Chat** _

_**more near-death experiences than fingers:** [Video File]_

_**more near-death experiences than fingers:**_ WAIT NO SHIT WRONG GC

_**tiny stank:**_ What the FUCK.

 _ **tiny stank:**_ Is THAT?

 _ **tiny stank:**_ More importantly _what_ _is_ the right chat.

_**more near-death experiences than fingers:**_ obviously not this one??

_**katniss everdeen:**_ I don't know what I was expecting but it certainly wasn't Peter's voice prompting Daredevil to dab

_**more near-death experiences than fingers:**_ fuck off clint

_**white jesus:**_ more importantly he actually did it?? my skin? cleared. my crops? watered. i didnt know how much i needed that in my life.

_**more near-death experiences than fingers:**_ who the hell taught you how to meme??

_**tiny stank:**_ Quit trying to change the goddamn subject

_**more near-death experiences than fingers:**_ no offense mr stark but there can only be so many street-level enhanced people in one city before everyone knows everyone. i was doing my own thing over a year before we met and met DD a week into when i started vigilantism

 _ **more near-death experiences than fingers:**_ anyway to everybody in this chat congrats on entering the awful world of the average enhanced person. you meet one guy and the next thing you know somebody else is on your couch because they got impaled and cant go to a hospital. people die, get framed for things, life is fear and sometimes someone gets set on fire and thats just how it is

 _ **more near-death experiences than fingers**_ : also i would highkey be dead by now if he hadnt taught me the basics of fighting people

_**tiny stank:**_ He's kind of a dangerous person, kid. 

_**more near-death experiences than fingers**_ : yeah but he hasn't killed anyone. when it comes down to it thats the only divide that matters

_**commander canada:**_ I'm very concerned over the idea of a child being a vigilante. 

_**more near-death experiences than fingers**_ _**changed their name to awful spider child**_

 _ **more near-death experiences than fingers:**_ sorry but'ya cant change me 

_**commander canada:**_ A blind man just broke into the Tower, screamed at Peter for 4 and a half minutes, broke Bucky's nose, and then left.

 _ **commander canada:**_ I was just standing there in shock and awe. 

_**white jesus:**_ ive never been more terrified in my life

_**awful spider child**_ : DD says thats what you get for posting that video online

_**awful spider child has added ill break ur face then ill win ur case to the Group Chat** _

_**awful spider child:**_ everyone say hi 

_**ill break ur face then ill win ur case**_ : I can't believe that this toddler has convinced me to join a chat with some of my least favorite people _[MESSAGE SENT VIA VOICE-TO-TEXT]_

 _ **ill break ur face then ill win ur case:**_ Except black widow she's cool _[MESSAGE SENT VIA VOICE-TO-TEXT]_

_**awful spider child:** _ congrats nat youre on a list with only five other people  


_**tiny stank**_ : So I have come to the conclusion that Daredevil is one Matt Murdock. There are only so many blind men in Hell's Kitchen, and anyone who has met Murdock for more than five seconds confirms that he always has bruises. Except for his friends Nelson and Page, who are acting very dodgy about it and thus are in on it  


_**ill break ur face then ill win ur case:**_ I fucking hate you so much you invasive prick _[MESSAGE SENT VIA VOICE-TO-TEXT]_  


_**awful spider child:**_ why did i think this was a good idea _  
_


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sticky boi/more near-death experiences than fingers/awful spider child: Peter
> 
> tiny stank: Tony
> 
> commander canada: Steve
> 
> white jesus: Bucky
> 
> katniss everdeen: Clint
> 
> birdboy: Sam Wilson
> 
> doors? not in my apartment: Jessica Jones
> 
> ill break ur face then ill win ur case: Matt Murdock
> 
> biggest badass: Nat
> 
> GCs:
> 
> Avengers Chat: Steve, Bucky, Tony, Clint, Nat, Peter, and Sam.
> 
> Literal Hell like wtf: Peter, Matt, Jessica

_**awful spider child:**_ MATHEW MICHAEL MURDOCK

 _ **awful spider child:**_ SO HELP ME GOD

 _ **awful spider child:**_ YOU ARE A DEAD MAN

_**ill break ur face then ill win ur case:**_ Ah I see you found them _[MESSAGE SENT VIA VOICE-TO-TEXT]_

_** tiny stank:  ** _ What?

_**awful spider child:**_ ILL FUCKING STAPLE YOUR BDSM-LOOKING SUIT TO THE CEILING WITH YOU STILL IN IT  


_** commander canada:  ** _ Whats that? I don't know that acronym. Should I google it?  


_** katniss everdeen:  ** _ Rogers no. Don't.  


_**white jesus:** _

_**ill break ur face then ill win ur case:**_ Thats what you get for filling every single appliance, cup, and any other vaguely indented object and or surface in our mutual friend's apartment with uncooked rice _[MESSAGE SENT VIA VOICE-TO-TEXT]_  


_**awful spider child:** _ILL BITE YOU  


_**ill break ur face then ill win ur case:**_ You wouldn't dare _[MESSAGE SENT VIA VOICE-TO-TEXT]_  


_**ill break ur face then ill win ur case has added doors? not in my apartment to the chat  
** _

_**ill break ur face then ill win ur case:**_ He's threatening to bite me _[MESSAGE SENT VIA VOICE-TO-TEXT]_ _ **  
**_

_**doors? not in my apartment:**_ Fucks sake Parker  


_**awful spider child**_ : HE FILLED MY SUIT WITH SPIDERS  


_**doors? not in my apartment:**_ Oh. Well then you have my blessing. Go do it  


_**ill break ur face then ill win ur case:**_ fuck _[MESSAGE SENT VIA VOICE-TO-TEXT]_  


_**tiny stank:**_ Does someone mind explaining the bite thing?  


_**awful spider child**_ : try not to freak out, but i may or may not be mildly venomous  


_**doors? not in my apartment:**_ Mildly my ass. You bit me once and I was fucking done for four and a half days  


_**doors? not in my apartment**_ : For those curious? Pete's venom has both paralytic and hallucinogenic properties. It results in what is essentially a godawful combination of sleep paralysis and shrooms, but with more nightmare fuel  


_**ill break ur face then ill win ur case**_ : She spent that entire 4 and a 1/2 day journey having to be spoon fed and screaming about demons, death, and monsters. Whenever I went into the room she'd deadpan, and i quote "Beelzebub has a message for you, Matt" and then shed laugh and start thrashing _[MESSAGE SENT VIA VOICE-TO-TEXT]_  


_**doors? not in my apartment** : _All in all 0/10 would not recommend  


_**tiny stank:**_ Hey one more question, what the fuck?  


_**katniss everdeen**_ : My thoughts exactly  


_** biggest badass:  ** _ Could we potentially weaponize that?  


_**doors? not in my apartment**_ : For anything other than torture? No.  


_**white jesus**_ :

_**commander canada**_ : I googled it. I wish I listened to Clint. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sticky boi/more near-death experiences than fingers/awful spider child: Peter
> 
> tiny stank: Tony
> 
> commander canada: Steve
> 
> white jesus: Bucky
> 
> katniss everdeen: Clint
> 
> birdboy: Sam Wilson
> 
> doors? not in my apartment: Jessica Jones
> 
> ill break ur face then ill win ur case: Matt Murdock
> 
> biggest badass: Nat

_**katniss everdeen:**_ Wait, wait, wait. Why are spiders in your suit a bad thing?

_**awful spider child**_ : im an arachnophobe. i trusted matt with this knowledge and he betrayed me

_**tiny stank**_ : ....Kid. You're _Spider_ -Man.

_**awful spider child**_ : doesnt mean i have to LIKE those awful creatures

 _ **awful spider child**_ : i just got bit by a janky one and now im sticky and have abs

 _ **awful spider child:**_ why the universe couldnt have made me otter-man or something?? no idea

_**tiny stank**_ : Why?? Otters??

_**awful spider child**_ : idk just literally anything else

_**awful spider child**_ : so remember that icecream company that made superhero themed icecream??

_**commander canada:**_ Yeah, why?

_**awful spider child**_ : so they decided to add some vigilante flavors

 _ **awful spider child**_ : and the spider-man icecream SUCKS

 _ **awful spider child**_ : i forgot that i mainly appeal to children, because this hellish frozen milk was absolutely made with young children in mind

 _ **awful spider child**_ : it was BLUE RASPBERRY and FRUIT PUNCH (???) FLAVORED. WITH HOT FUDGE?? 

_**awful spider child**_ : just an AWFUL combination

_**doors? not in my apartment:**_ Now the Daredevil icecream on the other hand?

 _ **doors? not in my apartment:**_ Cinnamon and banana, with the slightest hint of spice. And the ends of a banana fashioned into little devil horns. 

_**doors? not in my apartment**_ : I fucking _ascended_ when I ate that shit. 

_**awful spider child**_ : im so upset

**_ill break ur face then ill win ur case:_** Die mad about it _[MESSAGE SENT VIA VOICE-TO-TEXT]_


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sticky boi/more near-death experiences than fingers/awful spider child: Peter
> 
> tiny stank: Tony
> 
> commander canada: Steve
> 
> white jesus: Bucky
> 
> katniss everdeen: Clint
> 
> birdboy: Sam Wilson
> 
> doors? not in my apartment: Jessica Jones
> 
> ill break ur face then ill win ur case: Matt Murdock
> 
> biggest badass: Nat

_**tiny stank**_ : Wait what's going on with the rice and spiders thing anyway?

**_awful spider child:_** prank war

 _ **awful spider child:**_ of the street-level enhanced people of nyc. minus iron fist bc he sucks

  
_**doors? not in my apartment:**_ Iron fist can ALWAYS fuck off

 _ **doors? not in my apartment:**_ "oh look at me with my maGIC POWERS"

 _ **doors? not in my apartment:**_ "my parents are DEAD and that gives me the right to be an asshole"

 _ **doors? not in my apartment**_ : "my girlfriend wipes MY ASS for me in my PENTHOUSE"

 _ **doors? not in my apartment**_ : like BRUH

_**awful spider child:**_ he aint special for having dead parents either. bruh were all orphans. you see me acting like an ill-adjusted lizard because of it?? no

 _ **awful spider child**_ : its not even that hes just so rude and holier than thou

 _ **awful spider child**_ : where were we??

_**doors? not in my apartment:**_ Pranks

_**awful spider child**_ : oh yeah

 _ **awful spider child**_ : it all started when i turned all of matts crosses in his apartment upside down (he has more than one, like a texan white mom) 

_**awful spider child**_ : 11 months later it has just downspiraled

_**tiny stank**_ : Oh. That actually sounds pretty fun. Maybe the Avengers could join? 

_**doors? not in my apartment:**_ Uhhh not a good idea for 2 reasons

 _ **doors? not in my apartment**_ : 1: Its pretty intense. commanding officer liberty will probably end up dead by the end of the week

 _ **doors? not in my apartment**_ : 2: The flexible legality of our very existence means that we have more wiggle room for shenanigans, yall prolly cant keep up with that

 _ **doors? not in my apartment**_ : In conclusion? Barnes and the Widow could join. The rest of you are gonna get a solid veto from everyone involved

 _ **doors? not in my apartment**_ : But Barnes hasn't proved trustworthy enough to know where the Hero of Harlem or I live or our identities. I'm gonna assume that the Widow has it figured out anyway

_**biggest badass:**_ It's true.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRANS PETER TRANS PETER TRA-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sticky boi/more near-death experiences than fingers/awful spider child: Peter
> 
> tiny stank: Tony
> 
> commander canada/rainbow icy: Steve
> 
> white jesus: Bucky
> 
> katniss everdeen: Clint
> 
> birdboy: Sam Wilson
> 
> doors? not in my apartment: Jessica Jones
> 
> ill break ur face then ill win ur case: Matt Murdock
> 
> biggest badass: Nat

_**awful spider child**_ : tell matt to stop being a coward

_**ill break ur face then ill win ur case**_ : Refusing to call guns rooty tooty point and shooties does not make me a coward _[MESSAGE SENT VIA VOICE-TO-TEXT]_

_**awful spider child**_ : it does

_**doors? not in my apartment:**_ Pete when was the last time you slept

_**awful spider child**_ _ **:**_ depends on what day it is

 _ **awful spider child**_ _ **:**_ whens the last time YOU'VE slept

_**doors? not in my apartment:**_ Bout a week give or take a day or two

 _ **doors? not in my apartment:**_ But we're not talking about me we're talking about you

_**awful spider child**_ _ **:**_ hahah youre not my mom

_**doors? not in my apartment:**_ BRUH

 _ **doors? not in my apartment:**_ TAKE A GODDAMN NAP PETER

_**awful spider child**_ : NO

_**white jesus:**_ yall need jesus

_**commander canada:**_ You know for a while I pictured vigilantes as these people in their masks, all mysterious and cryptic. Forces of nature. Are they even human?? Who knows.

 _ **commander canada**_ : But now I know just how sorely mistaken I was.

_**awful spider child**_ : life is hell uwu

_**commander canada:**_ Are you okay?

_**awful spider child**_ : is anyone?

_**doors? not in my apartment:**_ Nah

_**tiny stank:**_ Peter!

_**awful spider child:**_ what!

_**tiny stank:**_ I always get worried about you when you say stuff like that. 

_**awful spider child:**_ well uh

 _ **awful spider child:**_ idk man

_**doors? not in my apartment:**_ Oml you're such a dad stark

 _ **doors? not in my apartment:**_ dad man

 _ **doors? not in my apartment:**_ iron dad??

_**awful spider child**_ : doors why do you do this to me

 _ **awful spider child**_ : this is transphobia

_**doors? not in my apartment:**_ Bruh show me where

_**tiny stank:**_ Wait, Peter you're trans?

_**awful spider child**_ : whoops

_**doors? not in my apartment:**_ Imagine coming out because of a joke lolololololololo

_**awful spider child**_ : doors, m8

 _ **awful spider child**_ : why did you spell lol like that

_**doors? not in my apartment:**_ Dropped my phone

_**awful spider child**_ : uhhh in other news I have new gc names for you suckers

 _ **awful spider child**_ : jk just for stebe

_**rainbow icy:**_ What is it?

 _ **rainbow icy:**_ Why rainbow icy?

_**awful spider child**_ : bc youre a gay capsicle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter is gonna be super angsty. because... i am sad and want angst.


End file.
